Sunday, January 04, 2009

The Best of The B.S. Report (UPDATE)

The NFL playoffs are well underway, which means that ESPN's Bill Simmons (aka The Sports Guy) will be kicking it into high gear with his podcast, The B.S. Report. It's my favorite sports podcast and I constantly listen to the archives.

UPDATE: ESPN now has a complete archive. Also check out my favorite five episodes of The B.S. Report.

I highly encourage you to check out all of the old stuff. Most of it is hilarious (except the Tony Stewart podcast. That one sucks). Anyway, here's a collection of some of my favorite quotes from the past twenty months of The B.S. Report:

"[Mike Tyson] could barely contain himself and I started to get worried that he was -- I don't know -- that he was going to grab [Ali Landry] and we were going to have the first televised rape. I didn't know what was going to happen. I remember looking around my desk and thinking, 'if I have to stop this how am I going to handle this?' I mean my security team is a 73-year-old man and a 112-pound illegal immigrant. I'm not gonna get any help from them and I remember looking at the phone. I had one of those big, heavy, old-time phones on my desk and thinking 'oh, I'll pick this up and hit him in the head.'" - Jimmy Kimmel on 7/12/07

"The reason why that no [football] team is gonna work in Los Angeles is we have two segments of society in Los Angeles. We have transplants from Boston and New York and Philly and Indiana who all already have their own teams and make everyone around them painfully aware of it all the time -- Bill Simmons wearing a Boston shirt right now -- and then we have Mexicans. That's all we have." - Adam Carolla on 9/4/07

"You know our governor of Connecticut wrote to the owner of the Red Sox asking for a rally in Hartford so look for me on the news there. I’ll be the guy in the Phantom of the Opera mask crashing the stage." - Diehard Yankees fan JackO on 11/1/07

Bill Simmons on 12/12/07: Yea if you're watching "Hannah Montana" and there's not a kid around it's like going into Chuck E. Cheese and ordering a burger by yourself. There's just something immediately wrong with it.

Jake Gyllenhaal’s the worst actor in America. I challenge anybody to tell me… he’s got one face, whether he just figured out who the Zodiac killer is or if he’s *long extended bleep* It’s the same face. - Mysterious Brad on 1/15/08

Bill Simmons on 4/10/08: And I'd also like to say you know my daughter, who's gonna turn 3 in a month, if twenty years from now she's ever at one of these ["The Real World"] reunion shows and is nominated [for Biggest Playa] and has that same reaction... there aren't enough bullets for my gun.

Bill Simmons on 9/23/08: You know I pushed for [Xander] for my son’s name. That was in my final five. I really like the whole X thing and the X man.
Rich Eisen: That’s what we call him. The X man.
BS: Yea. I thought that was a great play…
RE: X factor.
BS: …and my wife voted against it.
RE: What did you go with instead?
BS: Uhh, we went with LeBill.
RE: With who?
BS: LeBill. L-E… no we didn’t. We went with DaBill.
RE: You added the syllable in the front of the name is what you did basically.
BS: I found that the Le and Da is really going in directions that delight me to no end.
RE: Like LeDaiquiri and stuff like that?
BS: Yea it’s like really there’s no rules anymore with the Le, the Da and the Ma. It could go in any conceivable direction. Like you can have a guy on the Jaguars named LeSteve and you don’t even think twice.
RE: Like LeJohn McCain?

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